Saturday, July 16, 2011

An Open Letter to the Hoons down the Road

** CAUTION- this post will contain language best read after the kiddies are in bed!

Dear Fuckwit Morons,
      I just wanted to write and thank you for the two and a half hours sleep I got last night. I appreciate you have the right to kill your brain cells in whatever way floats your boat, but to let me in on the action -pure joy.
      I love nothing better than the sound of revving engines, the flash of your headlights through my front bedroom window as you fishtail up and down the street, and the burnouts, well strip me naked and cover me in Valvoline, I have never heard anything so sublime!

Not as good as yours, guys!

       I thought nothing could top your night of merriment, but wait - there was more! Just when I thought I would drift off into dreams of V8 utes and petrol fumes the melodic sound of shattering glass tickled my ear drums, aahh, the second act had begun. Apparently 2:15 am is the perfect time for the yelling at the tops of your voices to begin. Who knew?

      I am slightly confused about one thing. Did you manage to find the guy called "fucking cocksucker?" I feel so sorry for him. What kind of parents lump a kid with a name like that? One tip - in future, if you actually wanted to talk to this guy, screaming "I'm fucking going to kill you" is not going to help your cause.

      A huge shout out to the whole drinking and driving thing too, as evidenced by the number of broken beer bottles I had to drive over on the way to work this morning. Real genius stuff - I would give you a standing ovation if I wasn't so fucking tired from having ALMOST NO SLEEP and then having to work this morning while you little bastards slept off your drunken stupor.

    As for an encore performance, I don't think I could stand such a breathtaking display of your rubber burning and language skills two nights in a row - but as you obviously don't give a fuck about anyone but yourselves - knock yourselves out. I'll have 000 on speed dial.

   Yours sincerely,
             Very, very PISSED OFF!

** Image from
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